Life Without Jason

                I used to be a very spiritual person. I was Faithful in my beliefs. My favorite saying was, “Walk by faith, not by sight”. I have worked in healthcare for almost 20 years and have seen sickness, abuse, witnessed hardships and pain. My faith still did not waiver. I had experienced divorce, watched my children’s pain as they learned to live amongst two separate households instead of WITH their parents. I have survived domestic violence myself. And even the crazy antics that go along with having a husband that has an ex-wife with an untreated mood disorder. She alone has accused me child abuse among other things. Still I was faithful in my beliefs. I have done some soul searching the past few days and tried my best to find the answer to why my beliefs changed less than 10 months ago.

                October 16, 2014, I walked into my baby brother’s home early in the morning to find that he had passed away in his sleep.  He was only 15 months younger than me so until his death I could not remember a time that he was not in my life. He was my first friend, and all my life I considered him my best friend. We did just about everything together. Smoked our first cigarettes together when we were much too young to do it (sorry mom), learned to drive, went 4-wheeling, and snuck a drink of the cooking wine (Yuk! Sorry again mom). You name it; we probably did it, or some version of it. He was who I would call if I was mad, or sad, or happy! Jason was my go to guy.

                August 9, 2014 we had a surprise anniversary party for my parent’s 50^th wedding anniversary. The last time we were able to have a family picture, my parents and their three children. I am so thankful for those memories, for that recent picture to hold onto.  But with the anniversary of that fast approaching I realize how sad my heart is too. Jason had a seizure at that party. He had to be transported by ambulance to the local hospital where he was transferred to a larger hospital for further testing. Neurology found nothing. He was never really healthy after that, not completely anyway.

                October 13 was Jason’s 36^th birthday. I was working in Urgent Care at that time and doing 12 hours shifts so I didn’t make it over there that Monday or Tuesday. Wednesday I only worked until two o’clock so I took a cake and dinner to my little bro. My parents had wanted to take him to eat Chinese for his birthday but he had a “stomach bug”. When I got there I realized how sick he had been.  He had been vomiting blood. You see “old blood” or blood from a “high bleed” looks dark, like coffee grounds. I know that as a medical professional but neither he nor my parents realized. I told him that is what it was but he was stubborn and would not believe me.  

I made the wrong choice at that moment, after 7 straight 12 hours shifts plus one half day I was tired and I just wanted to take my five kids home. After I got home I text Jason until around 9:15 and told him to please text me if he changed his mind and I would come and take him to the hospital, he assured me he would. I also told him if he was still sick the next morning I was going to take him to the doctor. He agreed to that as well.  Jason did not have a land line at his house and only enough service to text as he lived far out in the country. I decided to go on to bed so I could get up and get to the gym at my regular time; 4:33 A.M. comes early.

When my alarm went off I did my usual thing, got dressed, brushed teeth etc. As I was heading out the door to the gym I picked up my cell to realize I had a missed text from the night before.

11:15 pm – “tell them I need them, mom and dad has the key”

Oh my God! I had missed a text from my little brother. I immediately called my dad because I didn’t have a key to his house. I was in a panic, waking my husband, throwing on jeans instead of gym clothes. I knew what I was going to find before I got there. I knew in my heart. The person that I could feel with me no matter what, for as long as I could remember was gone. I could not feel him anymore.  I waited in the driveway, for my dad. Texting Jason as I waited. Telling him I am coming. Dad knew it too, I could see it in his eyes when he stepped out of his car.

As he opened the door with his key it was like everything around me was in slow motion. The door opened slower than any entranceway I had ever passed through, Brock and Brady his “boys” as he called them, two very large dogs, were walking what seemed like in slow motion as I tried to get past them and make it through the kitchen. As soon as I turned the corner, I could tell. It looked as if he simply went to sleep, sitting in his favorite spot on the couch. He looked more peaceful than I had seen in years. Immediately I could hear my own screams but I could not control them. They were just coming out. All I could do was shake his lifeless body and ask God “why?” My dad, my 70 year old dad had to literally drag me away from my little brother.

My dad and I had to drive out a bit to get service enough to call 911. I called my husband so he would know that I would not be there to get the kids to school. We went back to the house and we waited. Waited on the ambulance.  Living in a small town everyone knows everybody. There was something very calming about it as one of the people on the ambulance stood and shared good memories with me. The police officer that came also knew Jason and me in our younger, more “wild” years. He kept saying, “You two were always such good kids”.  I saw that Ford Focus driving up the street. It was my mom. Oh God, how do we tell my mom that her son is gone?

My dad and I had to tell her. She screamed and cried the way I had. My dad hugged her and all I could do was wrap my arms around myself and try to stay warm.  The next few hours are a bit of a blur. They entailed the ambulance taking Jason to the hospital, me going to the hospital to “identify the body”, calling my sister and our longtime family friend. The phone call to my sister was one of the worst things ever. Breaking that sort of news over the phone and she was 3 hours away. I called; when she answered I could not say a thing at first. I just sat there. She said, “Karen?” and all I could do was sigh. It sounded like someone else’s voice as I whispered, “Jason is gone”.  It was the same response as mine and our mom’s, she cried, she screamed. But it was torcher, I could not hug her, she was too far away.

Once we were back to town I had to start making phone calls. I was afraid that social media would somehow tell people before I could.  I called my Uncle Leon, my dad’s youngest brother who agreed to call my dad’s side of the family for me and my cousin Shannon who took care of my mom’s side. I had to call Bill, I couldn’t. So I messaged his wife Theresa and asked her to call me. By the time she did I think it was setting in and I was going into shock. She said, “Hey it’s Theresa, you wanted me to call” and I just sat there in a stupor. I could not even think. She agreed to go get Bill at work and tell him in person.  I had to let Heather know. She was Jason’s high school sweetie and should have been my sister in law but they were young and never made it that far. I consider her family still and she was a rock through all of this. She would check on me, chat with me, listen to me rant, and let me cry, whatever I needed.

Jason had a simple life. He liked it that way. He was happy enough I suppose. At that point he was not hurting anymore. But I was mad. I am still mad. I hurt all the time, missing him. Life had to go on; I have five children for goodness sake. That was a Thursday morning that we found him. Two days later we went to a soccer game. I sighed with dread as I walked across that field knowing there would be people, People to offer condolences, hugs, with questions. I knew it had to be done. I took a deep breath and walked forward. Immediately one of my friends was standing in front of me, coming up to my left was his ex-wife (they were no longer with one another but both friends of mine), people were giving me looks, smiles. I just wanted to run away, far away. The very first love of my life was coming across the field towards me along with his wife to offer kind words, some tried to catch my eye, and others looked away because they did not know what to say.  “Just let me get through this” is all I could think.     

The next day was the funeral. We went through the ordering of the casket once Terri got to town. I was adamant about his headstone. It had to be simple and perfect like he was. He would not want the old, “In loving memory” so I asked my sister and my parents and they agreed that the perfect headstone for him, and it describes him to a tee would simply say

                Son, Brother, Uncle, Friend

                Paul Jason O’Quin

                Oct 13, 1978- Oct 16, 2014

We made it through the funeral, most of that I honestly do not remember. I remember that my heart ached for days and it felt like a physical pain that I cannot describe. I remember that food tasted terrible. I remember days of sobbing quietly in the shower so that my children and my husband did not have to hear.  It felt unreal, unfair, and indescribable. It still does many days, most days.  So now it is this thing, which has changed me. It has made me cold towards some things, more passionate about others.  I anger easily at the words, “you do not understand” because I do understand. I now know what it is like to lose a sibling, a best friend.

I have not been to church since. Maybe one or two times I went, but not regularly. My faith is faltered; my beliefs have waivered even though I never thought they would.  The anger has not begun to fade.  If anything it rises up within me in those times that I KNOW I would have talked to my brother about a problem, sent him a silly joke, or just text to ask how he was doing. I hope he really is in a better place. If you are the praying type, please pray for peace and comfort for me. If not, send good vibes my direction. I could really use them.

Reinforcing the Nest for my baby bird

I suppose we all go through stages in life that we are searching for “something”. I am the first to admit that there are times in my own life when I am struggling with a situation and turn to Him for guidance. I know, know, know that this is the wrong way to approach life. I should ALWAYS have complete and udder faith in all situations in my life. I know that God is in charge of EVERY situation and that I cannot change. God has moved in my life more times than I can even count, I am surrounded by blessings every single moment. There are times that I have heard people say to me, “you really have your hands full” and I simply laugh a little as I think in response to that ridiculous comment, “I would much rather have my hands full than empty”. Am I tired at times? Certainly I am! Do I long for a quiet evening with absolutely nothing to do some days? Of course I do! But would I ever change this crazy little thing called life that we have created? Absolutely not! Sadly, my oldest step-daughter has chosen not to be a part of our lives as far as this family unit is concerned, I pray about that often. The rest of the family is thriving as we grow not only in numbers but in our ability to view one another as a real family unit even though we are a jumble of a combination of his, hers, and ours… It seems that many times we get past one challenge only to open the door to the next one.

Last night, Steven and I were outside attempting to start a fire in our fire pit (without avail I might add). It was late, already dark out and as we were walking back in something “flopped” to the ground and made a small squeak sound. Initially I thought it was a frog that had either jumped or fallen from the tree above us. As I neared the “frog”, I realized it was a baby bird. There is a nest up high in that tree that we were talking about just the day before and wondering if there were birds or at least eggs in it. It was obvious upon examining the creature that it had met its final day. I ran in and got a flash light and looking up above we could actually see the hole in the nest that the bird had fallen from as well as one of its siblings lurking closely to that hole as well. I went to bed pretty upset about witnessing that and even said, “that mommy bird did not make a very good nest for her babies”. As I woke up this morning the bird was still on my mind. I wonder if that mommy is grieving the loss of her child or if she is even aware that it is gone from the nest. I reflected on my thoughts of her poor nest building skills and realized that in the whole grand scheme of things, a tree is a pretty awesome habitat for a baby bird. You see they can soar high in the air and a tree is just out of reach of danger but close enough to the ground so that the momma can easily search for food to feed her little ones. After more consideration, I realize that a baby bird falling from the tree is the likes of a baby human rolling off of a bed. If we leave them unattended, even for a moment, there is a chance that they will find their independence and roll a little too close to the edge. The old adage of, “whatever will be, will be” is ringing in my ears. God’s Will is going to come to pass. We do not know when but it will happen!

Today comes the day that I must go and protect one of my baby birds from a situation that I have successfully sheltered her from for almost 13 years. We have an unspoken need concerning this situation going on in our lives at the present and I am pleading for prayers of those that are taking the time to read this. I know that there is power in prayer and power in numbers… You put the two together in the combination of MANY people praying, and that is when God starts moving.  I am oddly calm considering what the day could potentially have in store and I know that is my God! I do not pray like I should nor do I pretend to and there are times that I doubt things that I know I should not doubt. Ultimately, I know that there are times that I doubt my own faith and that is wrong. That is something that I need to work on personally as I make way through life. I realize how it is designed to be. “And if you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. Matthew 21:22. And while I pull this tiny piece of scripture into this writing today I realize how very powerful it is. I am putting my trust in my God that what is right is what will happen today. I trust in Him for the outcome.

Also, please say a prayer for a dear friend of mine that has been diagnosed with a very serious form of leukemia. She is a woman of God, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend to so many. She is fighting for her life at the moment and I know in my heart of hearts that just as I observed earlier, ‘whatever will be, will be” but she and this family need her here on Earth longer than her short 36 years.

Praying for peace of mind

I find that it becomes harder and harder to leave my family in the evenings to come to work. Yesterday, the love of my life, my wonderful husband, celebrated his 36^th birthday. For the first time in a very long time, there was nothing planned for the evening and we were able to enjoy dinner together. I was so excited to have the opportunity to cook dinner for him last night and sit down and say blessing with him and my girls and just enjoy the evening. All day yesterday I busied myself with grocery shopping to get the needed ingredients, baking a cake for dessert, and just waiting for the right time to start cooking our meal. I did not even stress when the cake crumbled like day old cornbread as I began to ice it. I simply brainstormed about the best way to correct the cake dilemma and quickly put the girls to making white chocolate pudding and “beating” a Hershey bar to slivers as I layered my cake crumbs, icing, and chocolate pudding in a bowl. It turned out pretty good!

Later in the evening, I got cuddle time on the couch with the girls after I gave them a bath and even had time to read them a story. We packed their lunches for school today and before I knew it I was tucking them into bed. Those little things that I totally took for granted back in the days that I was home every evening are the same little things that I count down to Wednesdays to get the chance to do! How could I have not realized how absolutely blessed I was to be able to do something as simple as cook a good hot meal for my family!

I find myself shedding tears day after day just longing for one more cuddle on the couch or the chance to be home early enough to kiss my kids goodnight BEFORE they are asleep. I pray often for an extra day that we can sit down together as a family for a meal. I am fully aware that I am completely blessed that I have a job to go to everyday because in this economy I am surrounded by many that do not have that luxury. I long for those days that I took so easily for granted as I spent every evening calling out spelling words of the week in between loads of laundry as I run back and forth to the kitchen to check on the dinner that is cooking. I miss sitting on the porch with my husband after the kids have gone to bed and just enjoying the night air as we catch up with one another from the day’s events.

I am praying for the strength to endure the pain I feel as I leave my family and the wisdom to realize that this is God’s will and it IS why I have this job that I leave them for in the evenings. I do realize that when our little man arrives in about six weeks or so I will feel blessed that I do not have to take a newborn to daycare because of my work schedule. Please say a little prayer for me as I agonizingly walk out the door every evening and for my girls as they tell me that they just want mommy to tuck them in before they go to sleep. I am praying for peace of mind as I know that they are in good hands when I have to be away from them and that my worries are indeed valid but selfish because as I said earlier, I am so blessed to have a job to come to. I aim to remember these words from the book of John the next time that I hesitate to leave my babies when I have to be away.

 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” ~ John 14:27 ~

For yesterday (didn't post until today)

Outside my window.....the skies are gray with rain showers in the forecast for today and all week, a great day for a nap!

 I am thinking.....that I would rather be home in fuzzy PJ’s on a rainy day like this instead of working.

 I am thankful.....for the support and love of my wonderful family and that I have my husband’s warm arms to come home to when I get off of work.

I am wearing.....a pair of khaki maternity cargo pants, a comfy shirt, and flip flops (I wear them all I can now before the seasons change.

I am hearing.....the rain falling outside.

I am wondering.....how gigantic my belly is really going to be when it is all said and done and our baby boy makes his appearance in the next 12 or so weeks…

I am creating.....some really fun Jeopardy games to share with my students…

 I am going.....to get that package mailed out to my niece, Schyler, tomorrow! It is her first semester of college and she needs to have some goodies from her favorite Aunt!

I am reading.....nothing at the moment but always open to suggestions…

 I am praying.....for God to do some life changing work in our family.

 I am remembering.....the first time I set eyes on Baleigh, my first born, and now she is almost a teen!

I am hoping.....to finish getting Fall/Winter clothes out of the building this weekend (if the weather cooperates).  

On my mind.....is meeting this bouncing baby boy that is growing inside of me.

I am learning....that my temper paired with my big mouth makes me regret things often, too often.  

Noticing that.....my deck really could use a good pressure wash! (Maybe in the spring)

I am looking forward to.....watching my “baby” celebrate her 12^th birthday!

 Pondering these words..... "A child needs both to be hugged and unhugged. The hug lets her know she is valuable. The unhug lets her know that she is viable. If you’re always shoving your child away, they will cling to you for love. If you’re always holding them closer, they will cling to you for fear." --Polly Berrien Berends, Gently Lead

From the kitchen.....I WILL get that egg salad made for Hubby’s lunch as well as a roast in the crock for dinner!

 Around the house....I really need to do some laundry!

One of my favorite things.....is this time of year and seeing first hand all of God’s wonderful creations around us as the leaves change to brilliant colors!

A few plans for the rest of the week.....include finishing a power point for work, watching a volleyball game, got the glucose tolerance test over with today (yuck!), a conference call, making a reservation for the end of the month when we go to Morgantown!, celebrating Baleigh’s 12 birthday!

Snippets of My Life

I share snippets of my life with my readers.  I am not sure if it is hormones that are raging within my 26 week pregnant body or I if am simply at a breaking point where I am not sure how much I can take anymore. Those close to me know that on December 30, 2011 for the first time ever I disagreed (out loud) with the way my oldest step daughter constantly chose to play her parents, her mother and my husband, against one another. Do I regret that decision? Absolutely not! Do I wish the reaction from her would have been different? Only every day of my life!  Now, I feel that I am constantly wandering around and constantly wondering what in the world will happen next in this crazy little life of ours. I used to find such joy in the everyday pursuit of life and now constantly face it with uncertainty and dismay. I realized how bad this is affecting me only this evening as I sat on the couch with my computer, trying unsuccessfully to get some work done. As my mind started to racing (again) about our life situation I found myself goggleing “my step daughter hates me”. WoW! I was shocked at how many people had posted their own heart breaking stories of their experiences of such situations.

The one constant thought that I have about this is that time is the only infinite and once it is gone, it is gone. And sadly this past almost year of time that has passed only widens the gap in the relationship that I fear we will never have.  I torcher myself constantly with the memories of the few interactions that we have had since that horrid night. One of those is the memory of her publicly announcing on Facebook that she hates me and hopes I die. I tried over and over to text and invite her for family gatherings and just offer a sentiment of my hopes for her to have a good day. Until she finally answered me! I was so excited as I opened that text message. The excitement quickly turned to an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach as I read the words, “ Don’t text me. If you do again I will block your number. You are the reason I haven’t been coming in and you are the reason for the strain in me and my dad’s relationship and I will NEVER forgive you for that. I have no interest in further communication with you.” That was on April 3, 2012 and so I did not text her again until…. One morning, July 5, 2012 I woke up to find that she had sent me a friend request on Facebook! I was ecstatic until…. I sent her a text that read,” when I woke up and saw that you sent me an add on fb I felt like so many prayers had been answered. I hope we can work on our friendship. Hope your 4^th was good!” And as fast as I was friended, I was unfriended all over again. Not sure I understood, the only the only thing that I could figure was that she was not actually the one that sent me the friend request in the first place but maybe someone trying to be a little nosey since we had only the day before had our “gender reveal” party.

I try to rationalize why this crazy little situation has taken a hold of my life the way that it has. I try to find some comfort in knowing (after my little google search) that I am not the only person in this world that has experienced such heartache. I try to find something in God’s word to help ease the pain. I have to find the strength to change that “why me?” “why us” mentality. I know that God has a purpose here and He has a reason for everything that He does as well as a plan.

I watch my almost 12 year old bounce through the house and I can vividly remember meeting her for the very first time, my first true love. My younger daughters had the same affect on my life as they took their first breath outside of my womb. I have had the opportunity to cultivate flourishing relationships with both of my husband’s younger daughters and I feel that those relationships grow stronger all the time but all the while this whisper inside of me is growing into a SCREAM that yells, “Please God let me get to know Bailee (the one that hates me) one day!”

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11                                            This bible verse tells me that God knows EXACTLY what I am struggling with and in its own time, in His time I will see the exquisiteness in it all.  I am not very successful thus far in finding patience to deal with this situation without frustration and tears. Please send prayers my way and offer any bible verses that you think may help me along in this heart wrenching journey. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Your prayers are greatly needed and appreciated in this difficult time!

Some News to Share!

                It has been a long time since I have written, too long. So very much has been going on since my last entry.  On Wednesday, May 24^th I realized suddenly that something was going on with my body that it seemed easier to just ignore the inevitable at that moment. Finally, when I could wait no longer I went and purchased a home pregnancy test.  I did not even have to wait the full three minutes because that “positive” line popped up almost immediately! How could this be?! Up to that point I had not had even one day of morning sickness which was very different from my other pregnancies, I had a surgery three years ago that should ensure a  difficult time for a pregnancy to even begin in my womb, AND I was on birth control ! Confused and almost disoriented as I was absorbing this new information, I decided I needed to let it process a little before I shared the news with anyone, even Steven. He and I were planning a weekend away that coming weekend so I needed to process the news enough so that I could break it to him gently. Not that he would be mad or anything but at this time in our life we have six girls already and I am planning on starting back to school myself in December. The timing was just a little off and frankly not our plan. I suppose I realized from the moment I saw the positive results that it had nothing to do with “our plan” anyway but it is God’s plan.

“For I know the plans I have for you”-This is the Lord’s declaration-“Plans for our welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

Nevertheless, I was pretty nervous about having a pregnancy a little later in life and at that moment our “baby” girl was already five years old. This was like starting all over again!

“ Sons are indeed a heritage from the Lord, children, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons born in one’s youth.  Happy is the man who has filled his quiver with them.” Psalm 127:3-5

We immediately made the decision to not share our news with anyone until I was safely out of the first trimester. That second trimester started and we announced the news, first to the girls and we let them decorate a poster board that said, “We are having a baby” and present it to everyone that was at bible study that Sunday.  Our parents were as surprised as we were at first I think but seemed very excited. It seems appropriate that we have his, hers, but no ours so every part of the pregnancy we decided to share with our family in a fun way. July 4^th we had a family cookout/gender reveal party at our home. I wrapped a boy with pink and blue paper and the 5 younger girls opened it to reveal the BLUE balloons. That’s right, blue! We are having a little boy! This is what I wished for, this is what Steven wished for, and our parents I think. My gut was telling me that I was growing a son inside of me but I wouldn’t let my myself get to excited about the possibility until I knew for sure. This has been so exciting dreaming of blue clothes and footballs!  God knew what he was doing! The earlier mentioned “issues” concerning other family members have not resolved completely but Steven and I are both in agreement that this boy is going to do great things! God has plans for him, special plans.

“I chose you before I formed you in the womb; I set you apart before you were born. I appointed you as a profit to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

After a summer that has gone way to fast I have spent the last 7 days at the beach with just my three girls. Terri, my sister, came down for a few days as well. Stevens’s girls are back with their mother after an eight week stay with us for summer break. It was heart wrenching to say goodbye to them at summers end. Steven gets to come meet us for the weekend ending our vacation and I cannot wait to see him! I have been carrying our son for about 23 and a half weeks now and he is growing stronger inside of me every day as I can feel him shift and move constantly. I am not sure what his purpose is yet but I feel sure it is something amazing!  I will keep you posted on our progress! Please continue to remember our family in your prayers.

Humble me oh Lord!

I haven’t taken the time to blog in a very long time. It seems that when the devil decides to strike a household, he hits hard! Starting at the end of December, he has lingered within the walls of our home and sometimes I feel like he stands outside the front door to hit us as we leave our home as well. It has not just been one thing, but a variety of situations from family sickness to misguided children and even lies that could be detrimental to our lives. I am certain that when I started this blog, it was not to ever be negative or pessimistic and I feel that is why I have withheld from jotting down my words for so very long. I simply wanted to share the stories of my blessings while reveling in God’s word.

I realized just tonight that yes; our family has been through many trials in this last five months or so. But all the while, we are still surrounded by so many blessings. For example, since the last time I blogged I have started a job as full time nursing faculty at our local community college, this IS what I went to school for! I want to teach nurses to be good nurses!! I got to attend my first pinning ceremony as a faculty member the other day. I have only been with these students for one semester but I am proud beyond belief and words cannot even begin to describe how happy I am for these students as I watch them complete this semester and move on into the profession! I hope they realize as I watch them grow, and learn, and become our nurses of the future, and that God is their strength and while yes, medical advances are wonderful, He is what is the light and the path that truly guides them in caring for their future patients.

1 Chronicles 16:11 “Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!”

I realize that there are times in all of our lives when we need to be humbled. I also realize that the best way to work through my problems is on my knees with my prayers going up! I am human; there are times when I just become so angry at the situations surrounding me that it is difficult to see the blessings that lie within them.

I am blessed that my children sit down at the table to have breakfast in the morning and in unison begin the say grace and thank God for the food that they are about to eat (even if I am in the other room getting ready for my workday).

Proverbs 22:6  “Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

We all have struggles in our lives and days that feel like our world is crashing down around us. I find myself praying often of late that God will simply show me the right path and calm my anger that surrounds the many situations in my life that I have no control over. I pray to simply be humble.

Psalm 147:6  “The LORD lifts up the humble; he casts the wicked to the ground.”

We still have many unspoken prayer needs within the walls of our home. I ask that if you took the time to read this, please take a few moments and pray for our family.

Happy May everyone!! J

Let Me Hold on Longer, God, To Every Precious Last!

Since finishing school in February I have decided to start doing a number of things. I am learning how to decorate cakes, I have learned how to make some pretty great hair bows for the girls, and I am taking the time to read, for pleasure. I have found that I have many “favorite” authors and while asking around about books to read, a good friend told me about a new children’s book. Let Me Hold You Longer by Karen Kingsbury and it is a wonderful read! The author realized at one simple moment in her life that her children were growing too fast and (as all parents do) we celebrate the “firsts” in our children’s lives while we often overlook the just as important “lasts”. I have read it and reread it as well as shared it with Steven and the kids. Through tears (not just mine, the girls see the value of this book as well) and smiles we have looked back at moments we will never see again… It hit me hard as I read this book to Landri, my youngest, that she IS my last. I never dreamed it at the time she was born as I knew at that moment that there would be at least one more. I look at her and see how much she has grown and changed in a short four and a half years and the last sentence in that book sounds in my mind! “Let me hold on longer, God, to every precious last.”

I am blessed to have the family that I have. I am blessed that they are healthy and happy! In this world that we currently exist in, I find it more and more difficult to find the right way to teach the kids about the life they should live. The way to show them that they are here and have the gift of eternal life because Jesus died for OUR sins is a harder lesson to teach as this world changes almost before our eyes to even more less than perfect. Material things supersede what is truly important at times; we are tempted as humans to give in to our flesh. In Deuteronomy we are shown the importance of leading our family in the right direction.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children.” Deuteronomy 6:4-5

So while I may not recognize the “lasts” in our lives as they occur, I do appreciate the importance of instilling God’s word in the hearts of our children. And I am thankful to Him that I can look back and reflect on the many special lasts that we have already experienced. By His grace my children will appreciate His word and learn to be thankful to Him as their lives move along so quickly…

Thank you God for the blessings in my life!

I am going to try to allow more time for my blogging this month! It is as important to me spiritually as my prayer time as it is a time where I can reflect on the happenings in my life! It has been so refreshing taking on this new role in my company. I feel like I am blessed in more than one way in that situation. Of course the obvious blessing is that I am able to provide financially in a way that my family needs. But the situation is so much more than I ever could have imagined! The patient that I am caring for (and getting to know) has proved quickly to be an extreme blessing to just be around! Those monthly 30 minute visits do not allow for true connection and it took this new role for me to realize that by simply “managing” cases for so very long, I overlooked the reward that these nurses working the cases had the opportunity to experience if they only took the time to do so. I know the nursing side of this care but in three short days I am learning the therapy side that correlates with this type of circumstance.

The family that I am blessed to spend my time with is an amazing one!  The love that they share for one another is evident constantly and the faith that they have in this child’s recovery is the greatest that I have ever seen! And more often than not during the course of my “work day” we talk about God and what Jesus did for us. This brings to my mind a very important thing that we learn from His word, in the book of Matthew.

“For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them.” Matthew 18:20

I can absolutely feel God’s presence from the moment I walk through that door in the morning! I can visibly see the great strides that this patient has come through just by looking at him but the opportunity to see the faith and love that surrounds him daily is indescribable!  

Thanking God for answered prayers!

I have had some answered prayers! I have struggled for months trying to decide the career path to take. I did everything in my control, applied for jobs, went for interviews, made the follow up calls, etc. But it seemed that nothing ever panned out or if it did then there were some factors that made me immediately realize that they were not the best choice for my family, or for me. I know, I know, with this economy, I should be anything but picky but the well-being of my family comes well before a job. The factors that I was looking at constantly were 1. The new job would not affect my church time 2. The new job would not affect my family time and 3. I would be home at night to tuck the kids in the bed and there in the morning when they got up (so night shift was OUT). After dozens of applications, a few interviews and a couple of offers that I turned down because they just didn’t feel right I was finally at appoint where I knew the only one that could handle this was God! I turned it over to Him; I basically lost it while I was praying in the car and cried so fiercely that I could barely breathe as I asked God to, “please take over this because I knew that only He was the one that could lead me in the right direction.” By the time I reached cell service, only about 15 minutes after I spoke that prayer, it was very clear to me what the next step was for me. I had a conversation with my direct supervisor and quickly we made the decision together that I could step into the open shift of one of our cases. A case that I had “managed” for the last almost three years, I was going to have the chance to act as the full time private duty nurse for. Of course along with the decision to take that step out of the management role that I held came adjunct with a pretty significant pay decrease.  I just know it is the “right” move though! I know that God opened my eyes to a position that was right in front of me and helped me realize that is where I am to be.

“He answered their prayers because they trusted in Him” 1 Chronicles 5:20

My last “official” act in the management role was to conduct a class for our Roanoke office. Initially I was going to make the two plus hour drive back and forth for the two day class but after this morning, a trip including fog so thick that I could barely see a few feet in front of me, I decided to stay the night. It is so lonely in this hotel room that it almost physically hurts and all I can do is imagine the smiling faces of the kids and the warmth of Steven’s arm resting under my neck as I sleep. Once this trip is complete I will start my new position with the company. I will get off an hour earlier each day which gives me five extra hours a week to dedicate to my family! I will not be driving crazy amounts of miles each week as I will only have to travel about 7 miles from my house each day! There are, of course, a few kinks that will have to be worked out. I made the decision to take a pay cut only weeks before my student loan payments will start. But I am confident that God will provide!

“Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.” 1 Timothy 6:17

Say a little prayer for me and my family as we make this transition!

He IS my refuge!

I have been praying just that I can be humbled to the point that there is but one place I can turn. Broken may be a better term for it. Down so low that the ONLY place I have to look is up!

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

I have been putting in job applications since February! Five months of application after application and it seems that nothing ever seems the right fit or if it does then I am not the one chosen for the position. With a heavy heart I did quit my current position. My last official day was originally to be June 30^th but 15 days later I walked out the door for my weekend break.  I am in the process of training my replacement and I believe in my heart she is going to do an awesome job and offer the care and love that my patients deserve. Once all of the face to face introductions are completed I will walk out of the position that I have held for almost two and a half years.

I have prayed multiple times for closed doors. I don’t feel like I am strong enough at this moment in my life to fight the temptation of what appears to be the perfect position for me. I think that prayer has been answered time and time again but now I am seriously fighting the urge to start doubting that there IS a door just for me. I really feel like I am being led to share my knowledge, my education, and my love in a setting that somehow deals with children. I feel that this is something God is really laying on my heart. But now I am in the position that I have no idea where I am supposed to do this! I had an experience tonight as I sat and watched five of our six girls participate in the completion program for the bible school that they have attended this week. I watched our beautiful children up there singing and dancing and sharing their love for God and impressing us with all they had learned over the course of the week.  A few moments into the program my stomach began to ache, I felt nauseated, and for a moment even light headed. It hurt to the point that I could not even comfortable sit upright and I decided to come home instead of staying for hotdogs (which sounded seriously unbearable at that moment). Mom and dad were there and agreed to bring me home so Steven did not have to leave. The maybe two mile ride to my house I felt like something was crushing my chest, like it was almost hard to breathe and I had to almost make myself mumble my goodbyes to my parents before getting out of their truck. The stomach pains were still present and I could not tell if they were hunger pains or some type of real upset. As I turned the key to enter the house I could not get to my bible quickly enough and for the first time all day I felt as if I was finally getting my time with God today! The pain stopped! I suddenly could breathe easy! And it was almost as if I could feel His arms around me as I collapsed on the bed and just cried.

Steven keeps telling me that I am “going through a season” and that it is evident. I am not even sure that I understand that completely. Or maybe I do and I simply do not articulate it the way he would. I feel that I am being prepared for something. What, I have NO IDEA!! Some days I feel that I pray until my voice is hoarse and my tears have all dried up to try to find what that something is. I feel lost without  direction, hungry with no bread. And there have been many, many moments that it seems difficult just to catch my breath. I try to live the way I am supposed to, pray like I should, read the bible every day ( I succeed most days), watch my tongue, hold my judgment, love my children, love my husband. Of course I make mistakes, I am a human. We all do. What I do know is that the last few days, weeks, even months, I am searching for something that makes me feel closer to God. I am constantly searching for a meaning in my life other than a wife that adores her husband and a mommy that is completely in love with her children.

Just this morning as I jumped in the shower for a VERY quick shower as I had already over slept by about two hours the words kept coming to me, “He is my refuge”. Over and over it was as if someone was actually whispering that in my ear. I was searching my memory, I was reading in Matthew last night and I don’t think it came from there, Numbers, no, it certainly had not been something I read there. A quick Google search led me to Psalm 119,

“You are my refuge, my shield; I have put my hope in your word.” Psalm 119:114

What?! I flipped back to verify but I am only at Psalm 25 since I have starting reading the bible through in March. So I was seriously confused as I wondered how these words were coming to me. It did not even really dawn on me this evening until I heard the words come from Steven’s mouth, “So, God was talking to you today huh?” What?! He was talking to me!! I even skimmed through the many church bulletins that were stuffed within the covers of my bible dating back for months to see if maybe I had heard this come from our pastor. That verse is not even underlined in either of the bibles that I read often! It HAS to be God telling me something! Am I even worthy of a message from Him?? I certainly do not feel that I am. I am trusting what He is telling me though, He is my refuge, my safe harbor, my shelter, my protection! I am learning to rely on my instinct that when I need to step away from everything that is surrounding me and have my time with Him, I will!

Seek Him continuously!

“The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.” Proverbs 15:3

This is a great verse to keep in mind as we move throughout each day of our lives. We constantly, as humans, we pray to have something, or to do something, or even to find something. But too many times we fail to acknowledge that God is constantly protecting us from evil and preventing us from making mistakes or poor decisions. Steven and I talk about this often that people do not take a moment to realize that we are not designed to travel at 60 MPH in an automobile, yet for the most part we arrive at our desired destination unscathed. There are so many examples just like the above mentioned that could be given to exhibit the bad things that we avoid on a daily basis and never give thanks for that circumvention.

“O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God. Come quickly and help me, O Lord my Savior.” Psalm38:21-22

Often times we lay the blame of a situation that does not go the way we would like on God. Instead we should pray to hold dear that connection that we have with Him and realize the blame lies with the enemy, the devil! Those evil spirits work constantly to hinder our relationship with God! Seek him continuously! Those are three simple words that were laid on Steven’s heart during his morning prayer a few months back. Three simple words that he was directed to say to me. Those three simple words have turned into a powerful connection that I have created with our Heavenly Father. Simply put, when I get frustrated about something those three words almost immediately come to my mind now. I am slowly learning to take that little message and turn my frustrations into time spent “on my knees”.  At first it was much easier just to mumble a few profanities under my breath as I tried to figure out a fix to the problem at hand. Now, as my message rings out to me instantaneously, “seek him continuously”, I pray! And then I pray some more, and sometimes when I am finished, I pray again! There are more and more days that it seems the constant hum around me of the day’s happenings are simply a backdrop to the REAL things that are going on with me as prayers are going up continuously. I tend to overlook the formalities of everyday life and while I may be offering a smile and an occasional nod to someone I am sitting in front of, the REAL conversation I am having is one with the ONLY person I am to answer to! God!

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ.” 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

I refer back to that verse quite a lot. I even have it posted on the wall directly beside my desk at work. I am constantly trying to incorporate that kind of obedience in my life. We are blessed! I am thankful for that! Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts tonight.

Random Thoughts!! :)

Some random things that make me smile!

I love God!*** I love my husband and our children!***I love it when my girls say, “I love you most from coast to coast”.*** I love surprises!*** I love to wear flip-flops (even in the winter)!*** I love peace signs and big sunglasses!***I love coffee first thing in the morning!*** I love the smell of the ocean and the way it feels when waves crash around my bare feet!*** I love giraffes!*** I love beef and mushroom calzones from our local wonderful Italian restaurant!*** I love NFL football! Go Dallas!! :) (Has anyone ever realized that my youngest is named Landri, after the one and only Tom Landry).*** When I have to endure winter time, I love to snuggle up with a cozy blanket and smell something warm and yummy in the crock pot!***I love life and try to enjoy the wonderful gifts that surround us everyday!

Some quotes that I love!

Sing like no one's listening, love like you have never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.”

Scars remind us where we have been...They don't have to dictate where we are going!!” Author Unknown

Smile and the world smile with you!

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened!” Dr Seuss

Things that drive me bonkers!

Someone gritting their teeth!***Dirty clothes in the floor BESIDE the hamper!***Procrastination!***

Clowns! They are so very creepy and unnatural!***Spiders! EWWWEEEEEE!!!!!***

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. I love this prayer!

I was just in the mood to share some “about me” info! Have a blessed weekend everyone!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3, 5-6

The Faith of a Five Year Old! Awesome!

We are all recovering from a much needed vacation with the kiddos. I truly think at times a vacation is needed to recover from the actual vacation! We left out Thursday with tow (yes, two) cars loaded down with Steven and myself along with 7 girls that range from the age of 4 years all the way up to 16 years of age! We were able to spend the first night at the beach house with my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and two of his friends! The next day was spent enjoying the warm sun and the water, there were a few simple kinks in the day, three of the five teenagers that were with us were stung by jelly fish but it didn't make us lose sight of the importance of relaxation and family time that we needed greatly! My sister and her family packed up and left early Saturday morning, I was sad to see her go. We do not get enough time together it seems! We had some wonderful, extraordinary experiences in the short five days that we had together. For instance, one day Steven went out into the ocean and forgot to take off his glasses, not like sun glasses but actual prescription glasses. We looked for a few minutes to try to find them but the waves were furious that day and that along with the wind and presumed sand and shell damage to the lenses by that point seemed like a lost cause and we gave up. A few hours later, Bailee B went out to rinse off and there at her feet were the glasses! Not ONE scratch on them! What are the odds of that happening?! Steven and I were later talking about second Kings and the lost ax head.

“As one of them was cutting down a tree, the iron ax fell into the water, and he cried out, “oh, my master, it was borrowed!” then the man of God asked, “Where did it fall?” When he showed him the place, the man of God cut a stick, threw it in there, and made the iron float. Then he said, “Pick it up.” So he reached out and took it.” 2 Kings 6: 6-7

Both Steven and myself had said a prayer about those glasses and certainly that prayer was answered as Bailee Be walked out into the ocean and looked down to find them safely at her feet!

Later that night we were making decisions about what we would try to treat the children to. With that many people present we really had to be thrifty about our choices and we opted for putt-putt golf over ice cream because Callie, a 16 year old family friend that was with us had never played putt-putt golf and we decided that we wanted her to experience it. As I walked up to pay, the man at the counter asked, “how many?”. My response was nine and he looked at me a little surprised and asked, “really?”. He then went on to ask, “are all of those girls yours?”. I said, “six of them are and one is a friend.” He ONLY CHARGED US FOR THREE PEOPLE!!! We were able to go for ice cream after the putt-putt! I know it sounds like a horrible, spoiled rotten thing for us to be concerned about but our children have what they need but not a great deal of things that they simply want. We cook dinner at home (for the most part) and enjoy simple things like playing together in the back yard but as far as treats like these two I have just mentioned, we don't do it much! God knew what we wanted for our girls and He provided!

I could go on and on about the blessings that accompanied our time away but it would be unbearable for some to read I would imagine. I will mention one more thing that really stands out in my mind. On our ride home the sky was cloudy and it had begun to drizzle rain, a large Volvo 18 wheeler and I were continuously passing one another. It made me nervous as it continued to lose power going up the hills and my Honda would be out in front only to hear that truck barrel down beside me as he picked up speed again going down the hill. I simply said, “say a little prayer girls, this truck is making mommy nervous”. Rylee spoke up immediately and said, “Dear God, thank you for this day, thank you for the rain to water the flowers and grass, and keep us safe on our trip home.” But then she added at the end of her little prayer, “But I am not scared to get in a wreck and die because I will get to see you when that happens”. WOW! Those are some powerful words coming from a five year old! I was searching my own memory for some time when I may have had this conversation with her! Wondering if we had included it in a bible study with the children. I can not ever remember this subject coming up (to the littlest ones of our crew). Is it possible that she can just KNOW that?! Is this included in that awesome, untainted faith of a child BEFORE the corruptions of this earth can manipulate their thoughts and beliefs?

“Let the children come to Me. Don't stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you: Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God like a child will never enter it” Mark 10:14-15

I look at Mark 10:14-15 differently now! That unbelievable faith that my five year old displayed inspires me to encourage that type of growth within my own spirituality!

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father’s Day! I was blessed to have the opportunity to sit in between my husband (who is one of the best daddies I have EVER met) and my own daddy (who is another one of the best daddies I have ever met) in church this morning. We had a guest speaker as our own Pastor got to enjoy the services sitting with his own family. The man that spoke had such a wonderful message. He pointed out that we hear over and over again about Mary and her role in Jesus’ life, but what about Joseph?!  It was eye opening as he described the qualities that God looked for in the earthly father that played such a huge role in Jesus’ life. It was someone loving, responsible, and a compassionate person that could guide Jesus and mold him the right way. It was a very extremely important message on this very important day! It also made me realize that I was blessed with an earthly father that fits that bill!

One thing that comes to my mind when I think of my own daddy as well as my husband is the old saying, “Anyone can be a father but it takes a REAL man to be a daddy”. I was lucky enough to grow up with a daddy and now I am growing old alongside of another daddy that is in my life. My husband is a man that shows the same love and respect for my own children as he does for his own biological children. We are all so lucky to have him! I also know that we are raising our children in a manner in which they will thrive in their own adult lives and pass their knowledge and love for God to their own families one day!

“Train your child up in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”        Proverbs 22:6

Hope all you daddies out there got to enjoy this day with your families at your side!

Rid Me Of Myself

One of my favorite songs that our Praise and Worship team sings during church is their rendition of “Lead Me to The Cross” by Seventh Day Slumber.  It seems that every time it begins tears almost immediately start flowing swiftly down my face.  It is so surreal and unmistakably convicting as I hear one certain verse in that song. The words are few, and simple, but very real for me, “Rid Me of Myself”. Four little words that instantly make me realize how much I personally lack spiritually. Rid me of myself is an extremely unassuming statement which almost screams at me every single time I hear it. Typically it is something that both challenges and convicts me only as I hear the lyrics but for the biggest part of today it was as if I could hear someone whispering over and over again in my ear, “rid me of myself”. I realize my own shortcomings and try hard to change those but the ones that I haven’t been successful in changing quite yet I have learned to embrace.  One of my greatest limitations is that I tend to think I can “fix” things. I worry and even more than that, I stress out like crazy over things that I have NO control over!  I KNOW that God is there, I KNOW he listens to each and every one of my prayers, and I KNOW that he answers the ones that are in His will. I also know that some of the prayers that I pray are my own hopes and may not be what is “right” for me, for our family. God knows the right one! Thank God he does! I think back to childhood prayers when I wanted a horse that lived in my bedroom, longer hair, blue eyes, green eyes once, to be thinner etc… As I grew a bit older it was for a 1965 Mustang, a bigger chest, money, clothes etc… It makes me laugh a little as I think of all the prayers that I haven’t gotten over the years because they were not in His will. If He had answered them all, I would a large chested, skinny gal with long hair and two different color eyes that would be struggling to keep gasoline in my 46 year old car and cleaning horse dung out of my bedroom nightly.

“When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” James 4:3

 Yet on the other hand I realize daily how many of those prayers are answered as I watch six healthy girls get ready for bed at night and close my eyes as the last thing I see is the man that I love with every ounce of my heart. I get to enjoy fellowship as more and more people are becoming involved in our bible study. I get the opportunity to watch our children raise their hands and praise God in church.  I am blessed to have the opportunity to watch God’s glory shine through my family daily. Sometimes I simply need a little reminder that I don’t make the decisions, God does! The prayers that I pray may not always be answered but the ones that are supposed to be are! I may not understand, or even agree but I HAVE to trust that He will do what is best for me in due time. Sometimes I do not know the why's, the how's, or even the when's but I do know that He is there and He IS listening at all times!

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” Hebrews 11:1

Patiently Waiting!

I have been patiently awaiting some good news.  It finally got to a point where I realize that it is time for me to start the next chapter of my professional life. April marked the two year period in which I had been employed at my current position. The mention of my yearly raise and the suggestion for the corporate level decision makers to please take into consideration when making an allowance for this raise in salary to please remember that I am now a Master’s level nurse and will soon have student loans coming due. The answer could be remarkably compared to a swift kick in the gut as I read the response e-mail slowly. It basically said that my job title does not require a Master’s level nurse and it would not be a consideration when considering a salary increase for me. What I thought, was basically, I had done all of this hard school work for nothing! I knew at that moment that it was time for me to begin my search for the next chapter in my life! And to be honest for the last nine months or so, the atmosphere in that office could be compared to what some would refer to as “a hot mess”.  The time had come for me to have a conversation with Steven about the possibility of starting the job search! Apparently, my spending the last two and a half years in a home health setting has severely hurt my chances in obtaining a position in hospital management but having a MSN makes me “over qualified” to work as a floor nurse. My MSN in nursing education does not appear to be enough to get a position teaching nursing school as most of them require a PhD. Uggggg, at this point I am not sure where to turn. Well, of course I KNOW WHERE TO TURN!! Yep, the man, God! That is where we should ALWAYS turn! I have prayed about this for weeks now, months. It seems like it has been an eternity as I check my voicemail and there is only that one saved message with Gabrey’s sweet little voice on the other end or flip through the caller I.D. to see that the last call placed to my number was Baleigh’s little friend to chit chat about what boy they currently think is cute.  Then something came to me. Something we should all remember and something that is soooo easy to forget!

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ.” ~1 Thessalonians 5:16~

My goal is to keep sight of all of the blessing I do have. To consistently be thankful for those blessings in my life every day, and to realize that I have those blessings because of our Heavenly Father. I will continue to pray every day not only for the blessing I am thankful for, for my health, and my family’s health, but for God to open a door and help me to distinguish between the “wrong” doors and what He wants for my life. Steven says that I should pray for closed doors. The first time he told me that I was thinking,’ what’s this crazy guy talking about?’ Then I realized! I am to the point that ANYTHING sounds better than where I am. ANYTHING that “requires” a Master’s degree in nursing is better than something that doesn’t even acknowledge it, as well as a place that I can feel that my efforts to successfully finish school were not done in vain. So I have chosen to pray for closed doors! And I am slowly making myself realize that by NOT getting a phone call, my prayers are being answered.

“He answered their prayers because they trusted him.” 1 Chronicles 5:19

This last piece of scripture that I noted may be taken a bit out of context as I certainly am not in a battle of men, there is no army that accompanies this fight but I am surely fighting my own personal battle as I struggle to discover where I belong now.  I am going to start including within my prayers a little thanks for the phone NOT ringing today. And I am slowly learning to trust that when it does ring, it will be the “right” caller on the other end with the opportunity of a life time!  If you took the time to read this please remember our family in your prayers as we are getting ready to go through some transitions within our home!

Relay for Life Today!

This has started off as a lazy Saturday morning. I didn’t wake up with any commitments of work related issues leering over me.  I got to sleep in, didn’t even wake up until after 8 o’clock. Steven was sleeping so well that I quietly snuck out of the bedroom pulling the door closed behind me so he could get some much needed rest. After the coffee was finished percolating I took a fresh cup out to the deck for a few moments alone with God. I was surprised as the warm air hit me in the face when I first exited the front door. Only about 8:30 and the thermometer already read 73 degrees. Katie (our calico kitty) was basking in the sun in front of my feet and the sounds of birds chirping happily filled the air. Recently my prayers have begun with, “Good Morning…” Since I have started this prayer time every morning, I almost look forward to the sound of the alarm clock! I have realized that this is my perfect time for some uninterrupted time with God!

Today is the annual Relay for Life. This will be the 7^th year that I have attended alongside of both of my parents. The 8^th year since my dad went to that doctor’s appointment and heard that dreaded word, “cancer”.  Every year since then it is almost overwhelming as I watch him make that first lap, “the survivors walk”. Every year I have a new appreciation as I see more and more survivors donning that purple survivor color. Last year I was blessed to have Steven in my life which meant I also had his family, now my family, in my life. We had the opportunity to watch our dad’s make that survivor lap together as they are both survivors of prostate cancer. This was yet another way that our lives parallel from the very beginning.

This is always an extremely emotional day for me. I can vividly remember the words and they almost still sting my ears when my dad was diagnosed. You cannot imagine how many people said, “Well at least if he has cancer this is the good kind for him to have.”  “Good Kind?!”  There is no “good” when you hear the word cancer and it relates to someone you love, your daddy! I watched as his body became weak as he endured the treatments that saved his life. His stature changed drastically, his skin color changed, and even his hair color changed. It was extremely frustrating as my parents kept a lot of the “bad things” to themselves to spare our feelings. Short and to the point answers were all I received if I inquired about his condition, his treatment. I know they were simply trying to spare me along with my sister and brother, I know that they were only protecting us because that is what good parents do.

Eventually I stopped asking to many questions. I asked what I needed to be informed but I felt that asking too much was only pushing my parents and in light of the situation they were very close to their limit! I turned to God for answers. Answers to prayers. My dad worked hard as far back as I could even remember. And I realized that he was rewarded for his dedication as co-workers were donating their vacation time to him so that he could be away from work for his treatments without missing a paycheck.  Eventually, we got those answers! “Cancer Free” was two of the best words I have ever heard in my life! I still hold my breath for a moment every time he goes back to the doctor for a checkup but I realize that everything happens in a moment when it is supposed to happen.  God’s will!

“Jesus turned and saw her. ‘Take heart daughter’, he said, ‘your faith has healed you.’ And the woman was healed from that moment.” Matthew 9:22

My dad was extremely humble through this experience. He took it all in stride with a smile on his face and realized that what was to happen, would happen.  I thank God every day that my parents are here on earth to be a part of my kids’ lives a part of my life.

Say a little prayer today as I get the opportunity once again to go spend the day with people who are in celebration of the disease that their loved ones have overcome or there, present in remembrance of the ones that passed on from this disease.  I pray that everyone there will take the time to give our Heavenly Father credit for such a beautiful day for us to gather together and that those there that are mourning a loved one can rest assured that those loved ones are in a better place!

“Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to the springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” Revelation 8: 16-17

A Blessed Summer Day!

Wow! There has been a lot going on! Life is busy as usual, the girls are enjoying the warmer weather and longer days as we stay outside more to either exhaust ourselves with play or get some much needed spring work done around the house. The deck is newly pressure washed, we tore out an old fence that has been looming over me for quite some time, a Memorial Day yard sale proved to be a great choice for the holiday as now the building is cleared out enough to actually walk inside of it, outgrown clothes have been donated to a local shelter and yesterday was the last day of school for the girls! Today the eight of us, along with Momaw and Poppy, took a trip to the lake. It was a beautiful day to do so and I was even able to get in some much needed prayer time as that Pontoon trolled along peacefully with five of the six girls sleeping in various locations on the boat at the end of a beautiful day filled with laughter, sunshine, and GREAT company! As I sat there with nothing but the sound of the engines hum and an occasional passerby I tried to make as many memories as I could. That was the end to a day that we will never have back, Landri was snoozing away on my lap as Rylee (asleep as well) laid her head against my arm with her small hand resting on my leg, Gabrey stretched out on a bench seat while Jovie and Bailee B were close by on the deck, Baleigh O. was the only child awake at that moment but she was happily sitting in the front and appeared to be simply enjoying, well, being herself. “Poppy”, my father in law was proudly driving us back to the boat dock as “Momaw” my mother-in-law, sat up in front of me carrying on a quiet conversation with my husband, Steven.  The water was pretty smooth and the sun shone warm on me as I couldn’t help but feel almost overwhelmed as I looked at all of the blessings that were surrounding me at that very moment!  I was surrounded but a wonderful, loving family at the end of an awesome day and we were all surrounded by God’s creation. At that moment I took a picture of the lake accompanied by a beautiful backdrop of mountain scenery and promptly posted it to my facebook account with a comment underneath saying something to the effect that I cannot imagine how any person on this earth could ever question that there is God, God that gave us life, and blessings, and surroundings to enjoy every day!

There have been a lot of struggles of late that have impaired not only my spiritual life and wellbeing, but my emotional state and even my health.  I have had to make some extremely difficult decisions and I know they were the “right” decisions for myself and my family but they have caused me a great deal of stress. I am trying not to let that interfere because these decisions were certainly not made lightly and after lots of prayers about them I realized what I HAD to do.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. “Matthew 6:34

This is a very powerful piece of scripture, especially at the crossroads I am currently at in my life. It tells me that I HAVE to put everything in God’s hands and trust that He has a hand in my life right now and will bless me for my obedience.

I have to find it in me to not worry about the decisions I make in this life.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

I asked God for guidance and He has shown me the path that I need to take. I decided tonight to start that new journey in my life. I will elaborate more later. I know, it sounds a bit wishy washy at the moment but changes were made! I prayed about this decision and so did Steven, I trust the fact that we both came to the same conclusions, these are the right choices. If you took the time to read this blog, please take a moment to pray for me and my family as we will be going through some much needed transitions very soon.

“He answered their prayers because they trusted in him.” 1 Chronicles 5:20

I AM trusting in Him!

Too many chiefs, not enough Indians!!

I haven’t blogged for a few days. It has been busy here the last few days. There has been a lot going on. So much that it has been almost overwhelming or at least seems like it should be. I have been surprisingly calm, a serious answered prayer. I know my personality and I know that it would not take a whole lot to push me over the edge some days. On Wednesday my office manager gave her resignation at work. I have mentioned briefly in another post that it has been almost unbearable there the last few months.  I do not blame her for leaving at all; in fact I was praying that she would find a position where she can be more at ease and not in such turmoil constantly from the continuous corporate changes that negatively affect us almost daily. On top of that, the part time girl that also works in the office gave her resignation today. So two weeks from this day I will be expected to see to it that my patients are all seen in a timely manner that benefits them, keep the office running smoothly, and (hopefully) be training another office person. The corporate office does not seem to be very worried about this. Ever heard the term, “too many chiefs, not enough Indians”?  The company that I am currently employed at continues to lose Indians as they recruit and reward chiefs?! I’m not sure I understand this whole plan of theirs but I’m not sure I am supposed to either.  I do realize I am blessed to have a job at all the way the economy is currently!

THIS is what I DO know! I have ONE chief! I have been praying to him for my peace and my serenity through all of this and he IS answering my prayers. I haven’t snapped yet!

“I pray out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. “ Ephesian 3:16-17

This tells me that I may not exactly understand everything I am going through with the work situation right now, if I trust in Him and let him come into my heart wholeheartedly, I will be stronger, I will persevere!