I have been praying just that I can be humbled to the point that there is but one place I can turn. Broken may be a better term for it. Down so low that the ONLY place I have to look is up!
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
I have been putting in job applications since February! Five months of application after application and it seems that nothing ever seems the right fit or if it does then I am not the one chosen for the position. With a heavy heart I did quit my current position. My last official day was originally to be June 30th but 15 days later I walked out the door for my weekend break. I am in the process of training my replacement and I believe in my heart she is going to do an awesome job and offer the care and love that my patients deserve. Once all of the face to face introductions are completed I will walk out of the position that I have held for almost two and a half years.
I have prayed multiple times for closed doors. I don’t feel like I am strong enough at this moment in my life to fight the temptation of what appears to be the perfect position for me. I think that prayer has been answered time and time again but now I am seriously fighting the urge to start doubting that there IS a door just for me. I really feel like I am being led to share my knowledge, my education, and my love in a setting that somehow deals with children. I feel that this is something God is really laying on my heart. But now I am in the position that I have no idea where I am supposed to do this! I had an experience tonight as I sat and watched five of our six girls participate in the completion program for the bible school that they have attended this week. I watched our beautiful children up there singing and dancing and sharing their love for God and impressing us with all they had learned over the course of the week. A few moments into the program my stomach began to ache, I felt nauseated, and for a moment even light headed. It hurt to the point that I could not even comfortable sit upright and I decided to come home instead of staying for hotdogs (which sounded seriously unbearable at that moment). Mom and dad were there and agreed to bring me home so Steven did not have to leave. The maybe two mile ride to my house I felt like something was crushing my chest, like it was almost hard to breathe and I had to almost make myself mumble my goodbyes to my parents before getting out of their truck. The stomach pains were still present and I could not tell if they were hunger pains or some type of real upset. As I turned the key to enter the house I could not get to my bible quickly enough and for the first time all day I felt as if I was finally getting my time with God today! The pain stopped! I suddenly could breathe easy! And it was almost as if I could feel His arms around me as I collapsed on the bed and just cried.
Steven keeps telling me that I am “going through a season” and that it is evident. I am not even sure that I understand that completely. Or maybe I do and I simply do not articulate it the way he would. I feel that I am being prepared for something. What, I have NO IDEA!! Some days I feel that I pray until my voice is hoarse and my tears have all dried up to try to find what that something is. I feel lost without direction, hungry with no bread. And there have been many, many moments that it seems difficult just to catch my breath. I try to live the way I am supposed to, pray like I should, read the bible every day ( I succeed most days), watch my tongue, hold my judgment, love my children, love my husband. Of course I make mistakes, I am a human. We all do. What I do know is that the last few days, weeks, even months, I am searching for something that makes me feel closer to God. I am constantly searching for a meaning in my life other than a wife that adores her husband and a mommy that is completely in love with her children.
Just this morning as I jumped in the shower for a VERY quick shower as I had already over slept by about two hours the words kept coming to me, “He is my refuge”. Over and over it was as if someone was actually whispering that in my ear. I was searching my memory, I was reading in Matthew last night and I don’t think it came from there, Numbers, no, it certainly had not been something I read there. A quick Google search led me to Psalm 119,
“You are my refuge, my shield; I have put my hope in your word.” Psalm 119:114
What?! I flipped back to verify but I am only at Psalm 25 since I have starting reading the bible through in March. So I was seriously confused as I wondered how these words were coming to me. It did not even really dawn on me this evening until I heard the words come from Steven’s mouth, “So, God was talking to you today huh?” What?! He was talking to me!! I even skimmed through the many church bulletins that were stuffed within the covers of my bible dating back for months to see if maybe I had heard this come from our pastor. That verse is not even underlined in either of the bibles that I read often! It HAS to be God telling me something! Am I even worthy of a message from Him?? I certainly do not feel that I am. I am trusting what He is telling me though, He is my refuge, my safe harbor, my shelter, my protection! I am learning to rely on my instinct that when I need to step away from everything that is surrounding me and have my time with Him, I will!