I share snippets of my life with my readers. I am not sure if it is hormones that are raging within my 26 week pregnant body or I if am simply at a breaking point where I am not sure how much I can take anymore. Those close to me know that on December 30, 2011 for the first time ever I disagreed (out loud) with the way my oldest step daughter constantly chose to play her parents, her mother and my husband, against one another. Do I regret that decision? Absolutely not! Do I wish the reaction from her would have been different? Only every day of my life! Now, I feel that I am constantly wandering around and constantly wondering what in the world will happen next in this crazy little life of ours. I used to find such joy in the everyday pursuit of life and now constantly face it with uncertainty and dismay. I realized how bad this is affecting me only this evening as I sat on the couch with my computer, trying unsuccessfully to get some work done. As my mind started to racing (again) about our life situation I found myself goggleing “my step daughter hates me”. WoW! I was shocked at how many people had posted their own heart breaking stories of their experiences of such situations.
The one constant thought that I have about this is that time is the only infinite and once it is gone, it is gone. And sadly this past almost year of time that has passed only widens the gap in the relationship that I fear we will never have. I torcher myself constantly with the memories of the few interactions that we have had since that horrid night. One of those is the memory of her publicly announcing on Facebook that she hates me and hopes I die. I tried over and over to text and invite her for family gatherings and just offer a sentiment of my hopes for her to have a good day. Until she finally answered me! I was so excited as I opened that text message. The excitement quickly turned to an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach as I read the words, “ Don’t text me. If you do again I will block your number. You are the reason I haven’t been coming in and you are the reason for the strain in me and my dad’s relationship and I will NEVER forgive you for that. I have no interest in further communication with you.” That was on April 3, 2012 and so I did not text her again until…. One morning, July 5, 2012 I woke up to find that she had sent me a friend request on Facebook! I was ecstatic until…. I sent her a text that read,” when I woke up and saw that you sent me an add on fb I felt like so many prayers had been answered. I hope we can work on our friendship. Hope your 4th was good!” And as fast as I was friended, I was unfriended all over again. Not sure I understood, the only the only thing that I could figure was that she was not actually the one that sent me the friend request in the first place but maybe someone trying to be a little nosey since we had only the day before had our “gender reveal” party.
I try to rationalize why this crazy little situation has taken a hold of my life the way that it has. I try to find some comfort in knowing (after my little google search) that I am not the only person in this world that has experienced such heartache. I try to find something in God’s word to help ease the pain. I have to find the strength to change that “why me?” “why us” mentality. I know that God has a purpose here and He has a reason for everything that He does as well as a plan.
I watch my almost 12 year old bounce through the house and I can vividly remember meeting her for the very first time, my first true love. My younger daughters had the same affect on my life as they took their first breath outside of my womb. I have had the opportunity to cultivate flourishing relationships with both of my husband’s younger daughters and I feel that those relationships grow stronger all the time but all the while this whisper inside of me is growing into a SCREAM that yells, “Please God let me get to know Bailee (the one that hates me) one day!”
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11 This bible verse tells me that God knows EXACTLY what I am struggling with and in its own time, in His time I will see the exquisiteness in it all. I am not very successful thus far in finding patience to deal with this situation without frustration and tears. Please send prayers my way and offer any bible verses that you think may help me along in this heart wrenching journey. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Your prayers are greatly needed and appreciated in this difficult time!