Praying for peace of mind

I find that it becomes harder and harder to leave my family in the evenings to come to work. Yesterday, the love of my life, my wonderful husband, celebrated his 36^th birthday. For the first time in a very long time, there was nothing planned for the evening and we were able to enjoy dinner together. I was so excited to have the opportunity to cook dinner for him last night and sit down and say blessing with him and my girls and just enjoy the evening. All day yesterday I busied myself with grocery shopping to get the needed ingredients, baking a cake for dessert, and just waiting for the right time to start cooking our meal. I did not even stress when the cake crumbled like day old cornbread as I began to ice it. I simply brainstormed about the best way to correct the cake dilemma and quickly put the girls to making white chocolate pudding and “beating” a Hershey bar to slivers as I layered my cake crumbs, icing, and chocolate pudding in a bowl. It turned out pretty good!

Later in the evening, I got cuddle time on the couch with the girls after I gave them a bath and even had time to read them a story. We packed their lunches for school today and before I knew it I was tucking them into bed. Those little things that I totally took for granted back in the days that I was home every evening are the same little things that I count down to Wednesdays to get the chance to do! How could I have not realized how absolutely blessed I was to be able to do something as simple as cook a good hot meal for my family!

I find myself shedding tears day after day just longing for one more cuddle on the couch or the chance to be home early enough to kiss my kids goodnight BEFORE they are asleep. I pray often for an extra day that we can sit down together as a family for a meal. I am fully aware that I am completely blessed that I have a job to go to everyday because in this economy I am surrounded by many that do not have that luxury. I long for those days that I took so easily for granted as I spent every evening calling out spelling words of the week in between loads of laundry as I run back and forth to the kitchen to check on the dinner that is cooking. I miss sitting on the porch with my husband after the kids have gone to bed and just enjoying the night air as we catch up with one another from the day’s events.

I am praying for the strength to endure the pain I feel as I leave my family and the wisdom to realize that this is God’s will and it IS why I have this job that I leave them for in the evenings. I do realize that when our little man arrives in about six weeks or so I will feel blessed that I do not have to take a newborn to daycare because of my work schedule. Please say a little prayer for me as I agonizingly walk out the door every evening and for my girls as they tell me that they just want mommy to tuck them in before they go to sleep. I am praying for peace of mind as I know that they are in good hands when I have to be away from them and that my worries are indeed valid but selfish because as I said earlier, I am so blessed to have a job to come to. I aim to remember these words from the book of John the next time that I hesitate to leave my babies when I have to be away.

 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” ~ John 14:27 ~

For yesterday (didn't post until today)

Outside my window.....the skies are gray with rain showers in the forecast for today and all week, a great day for a nap!

 I am thinking.....that I would rather be home in fuzzy PJ’s on a rainy day like this instead of working.

 I am thankful.....for the support and love of my wonderful family and that I have my husband’s warm arms to come home to when I get off of work.

I am wearing.....a pair of khaki maternity cargo pants, a comfy shirt, and flip flops (I wear them all I can now before the seasons change.

I am hearing.....the rain falling outside.

I am wondering.....how gigantic my belly is really going to be when it is all said and done and our baby boy makes his appearance in the next 12 or so weeks…

I am creating.....some really fun Jeopardy games to share with my students…

 I am going.....to get that package mailed out to my niece, Schyler, tomorrow! It is her first semester of college and she needs to have some goodies from her favorite Aunt!

I am reading.....nothing at the moment but always open to suggestions…

 I am praying.....for God to do some life changing work in our family.

 I am remembering.....the first time I set eyes on Baleigh, my first born, and now she is almost a teen!

I am hoping.....to finish getting Fall/Winter clothes out of the building this weekend (if the weather cooperates).  

On my mind.....is meeting this bouncing baby boy that is growing inside of me.

I am learning....that my temper paired with my big mouth makes me regret things often, too often.  

Noticing that.....my deck really could use a good pressure wash! (Maybe in the spring)

I am looking forward to.....watching my “baby” celebrate her 12^th birthday!

 Pondering these words..... "A child needs both to be hugged and unhugged. The hug lets her know she is valuable. The unhug lets her know that she is viable. If you’re always shoving your child away, they will cling to you for love. If you’re always holding them closer, they will cling to you for fear." --Polly Berrien Berends, Gently Lead

From the kitchen.....I WILL get that egg salad made for Hubby’s lunch as well as a roast in the crock for dinner!

 Around the house....I really need to do some laundry!

One of my favorite things.....is this time of year and seeing first hand all of God’s wonderful creations around us as the leaves change to brilliant colors!

A few plans for the rest of the week.....include finishing a power point for work, watching a volleyball game, got the glucose tolerance test over with today (yuck!), a conference call, making a reservation for the end of the month when we go to Morgantown!, celebrating Baleigh’s 12 birthday!

Snippets of My Life

I share snippets of my life with my readers.  I am not sure if it is hormones that are raging within my 26 week pregnant body or I if am simply at a breaking point where I am not sure how much I can take anymore. Those close to me know that on December 30, 2011 for the first time ever I disagreed (out loud) with the way my oldest step daughter constantly chose to play her parents, her mother and my husband, against one another. Do I regret that decision? Absolutely not! Do I wish the reaction from her would have been different? Only every day of my life!  Now, I feel that I am constantly wandering around and constantly wondering what in the world will happen next in this crazy little life of ours. I used to find such joy in the everyday pursuit of life and now constantly face it with uncertainty and dismay. I realized how bad this is affecting me only this evening as I sat on the couch with my computer, trying unsuccessfully to get some work done. As my mind started to racing (again) about our life situation I found myself goggleing “my step daughter hates me”. WoW! I was shocked at how many people had posted their own heart breaking stories of their experiences of such situations.

The one constant thought that I have about this is that time is the only infinite and once it is gone, it is gone. And sadly this past almost year of time that has passed only widens the gap in the relationship that I fear we will never have.  I torcher myself constantly with the memories of the few interactions that we have had since that horrid night. One of those is the memory of her publicly announcing on Facebook that she hates me and hopes I die. I tried over and over to text and invite her for family gatherings and just offer a sentiment of my hopes for her to have a good day. Until she finally answered me! I was so excited as I opened that text message. The excitement quickly turned to an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach as I read the words, “ Don’t text me. If you do again I will block your number. You are the reason I haven’t been coming in and you are the reason for the strain in me and my dad’s relationship and I will NEVER forgive you for that. I have no interest in further communication with you.” That was on April 3, 2012 and so I did not text her again until…. One morning, July 5, 2012 I woke up to find that she had sent me a friend request on Facebook! I was ecstatic until…. I sent her a text that read,” when I woke up and saw that you sent me an add on fb I felt like so many prayers had been answered. I hope we can work on our friendship. Hope your 4^th was good!” And as fast as I was friended, I was unfriended all over again. Not sure I understood, the only the only thing that I could figure was that she was not actually the one that sent me the friend request in the first place but maybe someone trying to be a little nosey since we had only the day before had our “gender reveal” party.

I try to rationalize why this crazy little situation has taken a hold of my life the way that it has. I try to find some comfort in knowing (after my little google search) that I am not the only person in this world that has experienced such heartache. I try to find something in God’s word to help ease the pain. I have to find the strength to change that “why me?” “why us” mentality. I know that God has a purpose here and He has a reason for everything that He does as well as a plan.

I watch my almost 12 year old bounce through the house and I can vividly remember meeting her for the very first time, my first true love. My younger daughters had the same affect on my life as they took their first breath outside of my womb. I have had the opportunity to cultivate flourishing relationships with both of my husband’s younger daughters and I feel that those relationships grow stronger all the time but all the while this whisper inside of me is growing into a SCREAM that yells, “Please God let me get to know Bailee (the one that hates me) one day!”

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11                                            This bible verse tells me that God knows EXACTLY what I am struggling with and in its own time, in His time I will see the exquisiteness in it all.  I am not very successful thus far in finding patience to deal with this situation without frustration and tears. Please send prayers my way and offer any bible verses that you think may help me along in this heart wrenching journey. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Your prayers are greatly needed and appreciated in this difficult time!

Some News to Share!

                It has been a long time since I have written, too long. So very much has been going on since my last entry.  On Wednesday, May 24^th I realized suddenly that something was going on with my body that it seemed easier to just ignore the inevitable at that moment. Finally, when I could wait no longer I went and purchased a home pregnancy test.  I did not even have to wait the full three minutes because that “positive” line popped up almost immediately! How could this be?! Up to that point I had not had even one day of morning sickness which was very different from my other pregnancies, I had a surgery three years ago that should ensure a  difficult time for a pregnancy to even begin in my womb, AND I was on birth control ! Confused and almost disoriented as I was absorbing this new information, I decided I needed to let it process a little before I shared the news with anyone, even Steven. He and I were planning a weekend away that coming weekend so I needed to process the news enough so that I could break it to him gently. Not that he would be mad or anything but at this time in our life we have six girls already and I am planning on starting back to school myself in December. The timing was just a little off and frankly not our plan. I suppose I realized from the moment I saw the positive results that it had nothing to do with “our plan” anyway but it is God’s plan.

“For I know the plans I have for you”-This is the Lord’s declaration-“Plans for our welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

Nevertheless, I was pretty nervous about having a pregnancy a little later in life and at that moment our “baby” girl was already five years old. This was like starting all over again!

“ Sons are indeed a heritage from the Lord, children, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons born in one’s youth.  Happy is the man who has filled his quiver with them.” Psalm 127:3-5

We immediately made the decision to not share our news with anyone until I was safely out of the first trimester. That second trimester started and we announced the news, first to the girls and we let them decorate a poster board that said, “We are having a baby” and present it to everyone that was at bible study that Sunday.  Our parents were as surprised as we were at first I think but seemed very excited. It seems appropriate that we have his, hers, but no ours so every part of the pregnancy we decided to share with our family in a fun way. July 4^th we had a family cookout/gender reveal party at our home. I wrapped a boy with pink and blue paper and the 5 younger girls opened it to reveal the BLUE balloons. That’s right, blue! We are having a little boy! This is what I wished for, this is what Steven wished for, and our parents I think. My gut was telling me that I was growing a son inside of me but I wouldn’t let my myself get to excited about the possibility until I knew for sure. This has been so exciting dreaming of blue clothes and footballs!  God knew what he was doing! The earlier mentioned “issues” concerning other family members have not resolved completely but Steven and I are both in agreement that this boy is going to do great things! God has plans for him, special plans.

“I chose you before I formed you in the womb; I set you apart before you were born. I appointed you as a profit to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

After a summer that has gone way to fast I have spent the last 7 days at the beach with just my three girls. Terri, my sister, came down for a few days as well. Stevens’s girls are back with their mother after an eight week stay with us for summer break. It was heart wrenching to say goodbye to them at summers end. Steven gets to come meet us for the weekend ending our vacation and I cannot wait to see him! I have been carrying our son for about 23 and a half weeks now and he is growing stronger inside of me every day as I can feel him shift and move constantly. I am not sure what his purpose is yet but I feel sure it is something amazing!  I will keep you posted on our progress! Please continue to remember our family in your prayers.

Humble me oh Lord!

I haven’t taken the time to blog in a very long time. It seems that when the devil decides to strike a household, he hits hard! Starting at the end of December, he has lingered within the walls of our home and sometimes I feel like he stands outside the front door to hit us as we leave our home as well. It has not just been one thing, but a variety of situations from family sickness to misguided children and even lies that could be detrimental to our lives. I am certain that when I started this blog, it was not to ever be negative or pessimistic and I feel that is why I have withheld from jotting down my words for so very long. I simply wanted to share the stories of my blessings while reveling in God’s word.

I realized just tonight that yes; our family has been through many trials in this last five months or so. But all the while, we are still surrounded by so many blessings. For example, since the last time I blogged I have started a job as full time nursing faculty at our local community college, this IS what I went to school for! I want to teach nurses to be good nurses!! I got to attend my first pinning ceremony as a faculty member the other day. I have only been with these students for one semester but I am proud beyond belief and words cannot even begin to describe how happy I am for these students as I watch them complete this semester and move on into the profession! I hope they realize as I watch them grow, and learn, and become our nurses of the future, and that God is their strength and while yes, medical advances are wonderful, He is what is the light and the path that truly guides them in caring for their future patients.

1 Chronicles 16:11 “Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!”

I realize that there are times in all of our lives when we need to be humbled. I also realize that the best way to work through my problems is on my knees with my prayers going up! I am human; there are times when I just become so angry at the situations surrounding me that it is difficult to see the blessings that lie within them.

I am blessed that my children sit down at the table to have breakfast in the morning and in unison begin the say grace and thank God for the food that they are about to eat (even if I am in the other room getting ready for my workday).

Proverbs 22:6  “Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

We all have struggles in our lives and days that feel like our world is crashing down around us. I find myself praying often of late that God will simply show me the right path and calm my anger that surrounds the many situations in my life that I have no control over. I pray to simply be humble.

Psalm 147:6  “The LORD lifts up the humble; he casts the wicked to the ground.”

We still have many unspoken prayer needs within the walls of our home. I ask that if you took the time to read this, please take a few moments and pray for our family.

Happy May everyone!! J